This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
That 👊
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break