I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.