You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.