I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him