yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
WTF IS THAT!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.