[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation