Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
i- i did not expect this
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Two types of dogs.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry