all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else