when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists