Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.