Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

[Inventing Canadians]

Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!

God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

The future is now.