for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
No Google it does not
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
never ask a starfish for directions
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head