Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…