me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My inexpensive home security system…
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense