You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
🙀🙀🙀😹
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.