You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.