“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.