“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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