@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

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@sixfootcandy

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

@Nips_00

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

@meantomyself

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

@AnOrangeSNES

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

@ch000ch

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

@lawyerthoughts

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

@HatfieldAnne

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

@mommajessiec

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’