When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:![]()
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets