Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
You Might Also Like
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again