It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Wait a second…
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork