[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter