Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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don’t we all
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.