[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted