Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I like crazy people until they notice me
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.