in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.