I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money