sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.