hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs