ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated