I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”