I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
You Might Also Like
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.