When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard