my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
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*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
yeah not falling for this one
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: