SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Someone just threatened to call me later
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.