Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”