I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.