Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Watermelon Boss!
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.