robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.