I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.