OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
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With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
No regrets in 2018
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.