A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.