Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
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I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
selfie game
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?