My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Reporter: *ports again*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Beware…..
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.