Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire