Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
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Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel