My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
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Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well