My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.