My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel