My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around
Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
That eye roll….
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
*dresses like a kitty*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List