My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

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me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*


Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.


A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.


GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.


Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.


The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook


if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”


It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.



I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…