WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Barbie gone wild
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.