I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.