[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!