You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
OMG 🤣🤣
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?