If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
When I snag the last meatball.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!